I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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