Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
