I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
