he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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