"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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