I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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