some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
