i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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