You're my little dorito
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
