apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
God, I missed his penis.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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