Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
