Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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