And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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