I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
