I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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