I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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