I never want to see another naked old woman again.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
