Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize