they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize