She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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