The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she looked like the before picture.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
