Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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