Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
