I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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