I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
