I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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