I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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