I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
