I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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