How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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