dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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