Just cropdusted the office
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
