Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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