ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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