I hate your face
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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