if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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