You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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