Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
