How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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