I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
