I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
