i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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