I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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