I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
two words: eviction party
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
