can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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