I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize