Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
