i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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