i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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