Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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