I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
