mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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