Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
