Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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