Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
