Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The air was thick with penises
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
