It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
