Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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