im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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