I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
