his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
